Rumour has it that your daddy’s coming down
He’s gonna pay the rent
Tell me baby, is this as good as life is gonna get
It feels like there is a stranger standing in these shoes
But, I know I can’t lose me, ’cause then I’d be losing you

I know I promised baby
I would be the one to make our dreams come true
I ain’t too proud of all the struggles
And the hard times we’ve been through
When this cold world comes between us
Please tell me you’ll be brave

‘Cause I can realize the danger when forgiveness fades away
If you don’t love me - lie to me
‘Cause baby you’re the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that’s what’s meant to be
Right now if you don’t love me baby - lie to me

Pour another cup of coffee, babe I got something to say to you
I ain’t got the winning ticket
Not the one that’s gonna pull us through
No one said it’d be easy, let your old man take you home
But know if you walk out on me
That darling, I’d be gone

If you don’t love me - lie to me
‘Cause baby you’re the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that’s what’s meant to be
Right now if you can’t love me baby - lie to me
Baby - I can take it

It’s a bitch, but life’s a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs will make you scream sometimes
It’s hard believing that the thrill is gone
But we got to go around again, so let’s hold on

If you don’t love me - lie to me
‘Cause baby you’re the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that’s what’s meant to be
Right now if you can’t love me baby - lie to me, lie to me
Baby I can take it

It’s interesting to realize that by the end of the week, at the latest, I will be able to refer to myself as an “ex-smoker”. Honestly, I’m READY to quit right now, but I do not want to have wasted the money that I spent on these last two packs. I know, I know. But it is what it is. I do know that I won’t be buying any more. And that is a huge start, in and of itself.

I wish I understood why I’ve been putting off my writing exercises, and I think I finally figured it out. It’s almost as if once I’ve done all the work tasks that I have set for myself, what THEN? Realistically, I do know there will always be other things on which to focus (let’s not even discuss how much clearing I have to do–I will always be grateful to Virginia for having taught me that.) There are always more projects, more to do.

But I also have to learn to be still. I’m not frantically filling myself with busy-ness the way I always have in the past. I’m not STUCK right now. Hell, truth be told, I wish that I did not have to work today, because I could use one of those infamous “mental health days” that have so rarely worked out the way I wanted them to. Just, right now, I’ve got that itch to accomplish, but I know that if I don’t sleep some more, today will be a total waste at work. And while I hate that job, I also hate NOT having a job much more.

15 more working days. That’s not so many, right? Of course, it is entirely possible that on the day I give notice, they may say not to come in any more. I’m prepared for that possibility; one of my friends counseled me that I should take that final day off, no matter what, but at the same time, the financial impact of just one day isn’t something that I can take lightly. So here’s where my bread gets cast upon the waters–If I’m told not to return, I get to enjoy the full weekend. If I am expected to work, then I work. No harm, no foul.

I’m trying so hard not to allow myself to get distracted by helping others. Right now, my energies have to be focused on myself, but there are so many people that I feel like could be helped if they would just apply some of the lessons that I’ve been learning. At the same time, just as they couldn’t “force” me to get better, I can’t do that to them, either.

It’s a rough road, and a long ride. Yet I see the end destination and it’s empowering.

Tuesday, Jul 22nd, 2008 — This is a great time of year because the Sun is in your 3rd House of Communication, a place of natural harmony for you. But you could take a conversation too far today as your key planet Mercury harmonizes with shocking Uranus. Even if you think everything is fine, you could create a problem for yourself and others now if you don’t know when to be quiet.

I have GOT to stop having high expectations of the classes that I take at the Women’s Center, I think. The descriptions in the catalog make them sound very promising, but….tonight’s is a perfect example. “When Your Income Stops But the Bills Don’t” sounded very much as if it would be about resources for the suddenly disenfranchised. Instead it was “how to budget”. It seems to me that if you are in desperate straits, basic budgeting isn’t really going to help you slog out of the hole. Sure, it could’ve kept you FROM the hole, but once you’re there, you have to get to a certain point before that’s going to help…. So, surprisingly, I left early. I decided that the hour of my life that I would spend in there after the hour I’d already spent was more valuable to me than staying. There was some good material in the handouts, but it wasn’t anything like what I had expected.

*sigh* The seminar with Virginia WAS great, though. I don’t like the emphasis on the child as the father to the man, but if it’s right and if it works. Speaking of which…. Stoner had been pimping Allen Carr’s book about stopping smoking on Sludge, and so I picked it up. Weirdly, it was as if I had read it before (I haven’t), being pretty much focused on the concept that the way to quit smoking is just to identify yourself AS an ex-smoker and live as one. Just DON’T smoke. That’s all it takes.

Yeah, there’s positives in that book (although I admit freely that I am not necessarily to the end and may delay it just a bit for my own stupid reasons), but it struck me how similar that approach is to how I’ve handled my breakdown. I pretty much decided that I wasn’t GOING to be fucked up anymore, and I’m kinda not. I have issues, sure, everyone does. But I am learning how to handle those issues on a day to day basis, and the catalyst for the change WAS the decision that I would no longer BE fucked up and broken.

Interesting. And right now? On a scale of 1 to 10, even with all that still swirls around me, I’m averaging between an 8 and a 9 as far as “mental health” goes right now. I wish I had some tangible way of expressing that, but all I know is how different I feel inside. I don’t ever want to be “that girl” again.

Really, I never was. I just convinced myself that I was. And that’s sad, but I can’t go back and change the past. All I can do is learn from it; re-frame it and honor those who have taught me.

Ironic, isn’t it, that I’m going to sort of be forced into changing cell phone providers–to the very ONE that I was going to change to previously? LOL At least they have my precious Centro now, so I shall do it (probably as soon as I get a paycheck…I know I have to do it pretty damn soon.) Hopefully I won’t be penalized for the previous cancellation!

Unfortunately, the rep I spoke with confirmed that the charges that I had were just for the calling plan (I was never charged for my ringbacks), so I need to pay that off really quickish so that I can get my new phone…Yes, it’s going to be yet another shell game–I can admit that. At least I can do it as soon as the cash is there.

Right. Gotta get motivated. Gotta NOT curl up with the books I got at the library.

Broken, I’m broken
I can’t fix it up
I can’t be repaired
Well, I’m Broken, I’m broken
I’m all busted up
My life’s in despair

The rain’s falling down on my face
So my tears won’t give me away
Drink a pint of dark
For my broken heart for a boy
Who may never return

Now it’s broken at the neck
Now I can’t get over it
And now I’m feeling like such a mess
I’m broken

Broken, I’m broken
Can’t fix it up, I can’t be repaired

I’m not bigger than this burden
And I can’t be certain the
color of my guitar
The murky past comes up again
And I’m standing on the bridge
Black water around my bed

Now it’s broken at the neck
And now I can’t get over it
And now I’m feeling like such a mess
I’m broken

Now it’s broken at the neck
And now I’m trapped right under it
And now I’m feeling so depressed
I’m broken

Broken, I’m broken
Can’t fix it up
I can’t be repaired
Well, I’m broken, I’m broken
I’m all busted up now
My life’s in despair

Well, I’m broken, I’m broken
I can’t fix it up
I can’t be repaired
I can’t be repaired
I can’t be repaired
Oh no, I can’t be repaired

I drove my car in the middle of the night
I just wanted to see you so bad
The road was dark but the stars were bright
I just wanted to see you so bad
It didn’t matter what my friends would say
I was gonna see you anyway
I just wanted to see you so bad
I just wanted to see you so bad
You were staying in a big hotel
I just wanted to see you so bad
I didn’t know you very well
I just wanted to see you so bad
We’d always talked on the telephone
But I’d never been with you all alone
I just wanted to see you so bad
I just wanted to see you so bad

I got off on the seventh floor
I just wanted to see you so bad
I couldn’t have asked for anything more
I just wanted to see you so bad
I saw your face so clear and bright
I must have been crazy but it sure felt right
I just wanted to see you so bad
I just wanted to see you so bad
I just wanted to see you so bad
I just wanted to see you so bad

Dammit, I need to get motivated! I took a break…yeah, that break has been a couple hours long now, shame on me. It wasn’t necessarily an entirely unPRODUCTIVE break, as I did some more of my reading list, but I know that piddling about on the computer is NOT what I need to be doing right now. I need someone to kick me in the ass, just a little bit!

And even more dammit….It’s interesting how music really does mold my mood. Right now, the playlist I have on might seem to be all sappy, but it really isn’t. It’s actually sort of empowering! For example, right now, I’m listening to a song by Manic Street Preachers that two months ago simply devastated me. Now, though, with the help of the Lifescripting principles, it’s actually lifting me up. Weird how that happens. It’s all about reframing, even though the thing that gets to me is not having access to huge wellsprings of childhood memory, since that is the critical point of Lifescripting.

Still, I’m feeling the last verse of this song, like a lot…”you are pure, you are snow…..rock and roll is our epiphany…” Yeah, did they write that song for me or WHAT? Iggy’s right in his interpretation of that song, I know it now. And I feel good on that front. Really good.

I’m kind of in a Lucinda Williams mode right now. Kinda funny that I finally took a look at some Liz Phair–love the lyrics, can’t stand the music. LOL

I have walked all alone
On these streets, I call home
Streets of hope, streets of fear
Through the sidewalk cracks
Time dissapears
I was lost, on my knees
On the eve of defeat
As i choked back the tears
There’s a silent scream no-one could hear

So far away from everything, you know it’s true
Something inside that makes you know what you’ve got to do

[Chorus]
Ring the bells, ring them loud
Let them ring here and now
Just reach out and ring the bells of freedom
When your world’s crashing down like you’ve lost every round
Stand your ground
And ring the bells of freedom

Up the steps of the church
Through the fields in the dirt
In the dark I have seen
That the sun still shines for the one who believed

So far away, so full of doubt, you needed proof
Just close your eyes, and hear the sound inside of you

[Chorus x3]

She left home, 17
Packed her bags
cut them clean
Couldn’t stay, one more day
In a house where innocence was stolen away

He left home, off to war
Don’t know why, or what for
He’ll be brave, he’ll fight hard
In a game where generals
Deal all the cards

So far away, from everything they ever knew
Something inside that makes you do what you’ve got to do
Ring them bells
Ring them loud
Let them ring
Here and now
Just reach out and ring the bells of freedom

Ring them bells
Ring them loud
Let them ring

When your world is crashing down
Like you’ve lost every round
Stand your ground
And ring the bells of freedom

When you fall to your knees
On the eve of defeat
As you choke back the tears
There’s a silent scream
Nobody hears
So far away
From everything
And everyone
Can’t get away
From anything or anyone

Ring them bells
Ring them loud
Let them ring
Here and now
Just reach out
And ring the bells of freedom
When your world comes crashing down
Like you’ve lost every round
Stand your ground
And ring the bells of freedom

Ring them bells
Ring them loud
Let them ring
Hear and now
Just reach out
And ring the bells of freedom
Yeah, when your world comes crashing down
Like you’ve lost every round
Stand your ground
And ring the bells of freedom
Ring them bells
Ring them loud
Let them ring
Hear and now
Just reach out
And ring the bells of freedom

Today’s playlist, played on shuffle:

3-Faced - Make Believe
Rolling Stones - Faraway Eyes
American Anthem - Love’s Chance
Betty Blowtorch - I’m Ugly and I Don’t Know Why
Billy Joe Shaver - Squidbillies Theme
Blondie - Out in the Streets
Bob Seger - The Answer’s in the Question
Bob Seger - Beautiful Loser
Bob Seger - Tryin’ to Live My Life Without You
Bob Seger - Hollywood Nights
Bob Seger - The Famous Final Scene
Bon Jovi - The One That Got Away
Richie Sambora - If I Can’t Have Your Love
Bon Jovi - Bells of Freedom
Bret Michaels - All I Ever Needed
Bret Michaels - The One You Get
Bruce Springsteen - For You
Candy - Weekend Boy
Charlie Pride - Where Do I Put Her Memory?
Coyote Shivers - Just Be Friends
Dave Edmunds - I Knew the Bride
David Allen Coe - Suicide
Dolly Parton - Where Beauty Lives in Memory
Emmylou Harris - Boulder to Birmingham
Fleetwood Mac - Go Insane (acoustic)
Glen Campbell - By the Time I Get to Phoenix
Glen Danzig - You & Me
Gram Parsons - $1000 Wedding
Guns n’ Roses - November Rain (acoustic)
Jesse Dayton - Just What I Needed
Jesse Dayton - Date With the Angels
Julie Roberts - Break Down Here
Julie Roberts - Wake Up Older
Junkyard - Simple Man
Junkyard - Hands Off
Junkyard - Clean the Dirt
Kyle Vincent - You Will Dance Again
LeeAnn Womack - I May Hate Myself in the Morning
Lucinda Williams - Still I Long For Your Kiss
Lucinda Williams - I Changed the Locks
Lucinda Williams - I Just Wanted to See You So Bad
Lucinda Williams - Righteously
Manic Street Preachers - Little Baby Nothing
Miss Derringer - People Ain’t No Good
Motochrist - I Lost It
NY Loose - Broken
Richie Sambora - One Last Goodbye
Shooter Jennings - Aviators
Supersuckers - Breakin’ Honey’s Heart
Supersuckers - Least I Could Do
Supersuckers - Sail On
Supersuckers - Marie
Union - Hypnotized